I. Me. Myself.

Who do you spend the most time with?

I am my best company.

I start my day by discussing the plan of action and targets. I mentally compare it to the plan I had made the previous evening and often, there is no change and my morning run-through holds fine. Sometimes, a second person gets into this conversation, upsets the vibe, and jeopardizes everything. I never have conversations at 4 am. That’s the time I talk to myself. It’s my ‘me’ time and I have slots for this through the day. I rarely get into soliloquies, but I have my fair share of monologues and sometimes you will hear my hidden half join the conversation.

Growing up, there was always something happening at home and as four kids there was always someone with you. To have conversations. To spend time. To be around. All through school I spent a lot of time with my younger sibling, she was an extension of my arm. We were thick as thieves and like most people who spend a lot of time with each other, we had our code language in place. So, in the first year of preuniversity, when I had to travel by public transport, on my own, I found it very difficult to adjust. I did not know what to do and was always looking for company and ‘friends’. The opportunity to spend exclusive time with myself only started after I started taking time to spend with the pets. While Tinku and I shared the same space when I used to play Hide and Seek, I never spent any time talking to Tinku. I learned to spend time with a dog only when I brought Tara home. She was adorable company and never left anyone alone.

I started having conversations with myself, spending time with myself, and enjoying my ‘alone’ time when I started conversing with Tara. It was my way to ‘bond’ with her and spend some extra one-on-one time with her. Eventually, she had the pups, and those first few weeks when my sibling and I coordinated and alternated our schedules so someone was always with the pups, is when I got my first taste of spending time by myself. In the beginning, it was tough to just sit silent and think to focus and retrain my mind, but it happened. The pups grew up, Butch remained while the rest of the pups moved on to their furever homes. Butch and I would spend time talking and while he would sit with me for most of the conversation, there were instances where he would walk off and I would be left to draw my conclusions on the best course of action. He was a lousy therapist! But he was a very good teacher because I learned to spend time alone and enjoy it enough to get comfortable with being by myself.

I have spent a lot of time with the family and am immensely grateful to Butch for teaching me to enjoy my ‘me’ time. I completed my first three years of college traveling by myself as my sibling completed her high school. Having a cup of coffee by myself, while I waited for friends to finish their classes and come out, munching on a snack while I waited for my sibling outside the school, or idly flipped through papers waiting for Mum to wind up her work for the day, so I could hitch a ride back with her, or grabbing an anda pav to eat on the way to board the local train to head home for the weekend I have spent time by myself often and have found all of these experiences to be extremely memorable. Long drives to work, metro rides to nowhere, or a quick stop at CTR for a Dosa I’ve enjoyed random alone times without feeling lonely.

I like spending time with people, but sometimes, your soul requires a break and those are the times when you seek solitude. Until I started spending time by myself, I always looked for a ‘friend’ or for some company to do things. And to be honest, those initial coffee dates with myself were tougher than I ever thought possible. Not making eye contact. Drinking the coffee fast and leaving the cafe in a hurry because you felt like you were taking too much space. It used to be rushed. Until, eventually, I realized the value of this special time I was making for myself, where I did not have to impress anyone, and did not have to live up to any expectations, because I was getting to know this amazing person. Tasting the coffee, inhaling the aroma and just enjoying the moment for what it was, and nothing more ensured the visits lasted longer. Especially when I tuned in to the best part of spending time alone- the live entertainment! I did not have to be polite, politically correct, or diplomatic. The conversations I had with myself were hilarious, and I could say what I felt like. No filters! But yes, I am my best company.

Thank you all for joining me on this journey. Today marks 100 days of consistent blogging. It’s been an effort and I know there were days when I had no idea about what to write and still made the effort- often stumbling through thoughts and sorting out words as I used them. Sometimes wondering if I even made sense. Your constant likes, consistent appreciation, and occasional comments have encouraged me to keep going. Thanks and stay tuned for the next 100!