Time out

How do you practice self-care?

When the kid was born, I was over the moon. Excited was an understatement and exhausted was the highlight. But I coped. I had never interacted with any other kid in the family, so I had no idea what was required to be done. The paternity leave got over faster than I expected. I remember every morning for those first 6 weeks when Mum had volunteered (because I begged her to stay and Dad told her to stay), she would wake up, pick the baby up, bathe her, and then my spouse would get ready and leave for work. Mum used to be around, but Mum would tune out the baby while she perused the paper from end to end. It almost felt like I was staying alone with a newborn. After a couple of weeks of this, Mum slowly started to head out, so I could get more used to being with the baby on my own. But a wailing baby or even a sleeping baby was not something I was used to, so the learning curve was steep. I remember when the siblings dropped in to visit, I just left the baby with them and would go and fall asleep. My excuse was to let them bond on their own, but in retrospect, I think I just used them as free nannies. They never called me out on it and were there every step of the way, as often as they could.

Thank god for big families, because each visit ensured I got to take a break. I stumbled a lot through most of those changes over the first year. It took me some time to figure out a workable schedule, but I started using the kid’s nap times to finalize a schedule. I fixed the bedtime and the wake-up time was automatically 8-10 hours later. Ensuring the bath was fixed after waking up and a glass of milk meant that the kids also got to spend time with their Dad before he left for work. Initially, getting used to the schedule was a lot of effort but we cracked that code and life became so simple. When preschool started, this schedule ensured that my kid was up, rested, and ready to handle a day at school. The only chaos I expected was during holidays, but the steady bedtime ensured that the kid crashed at that time even when we were out.

This schedule worked brilliantly even when we started regular school and only got vacations once a year. I started co-ordinating and making my visits. For the duration of our visit, the kids were care of the hostess of the house I landed in, and even that worked. Because I was still based out of my hometown, I would also have Mum visiting every few months to stay a weekend or one of the siblings would drop by for a flying visit which also worked for me. Breaking away from the schedule was tough when I was at home, but while on vacation, I let the schedule go. The best part of forming a habit is that kids stick to it even through the vacations. The one-off instances where they try to break the habit have resulted in cranky kids, but we’ve moved through those as well. The kids grew, and we slowly graduated to taking vacations that were not just a family visit and I had to start finding ways to divert the chaos. The schedules ensured pockets of time I had for myself, so I guarded my schedules fiercely. Typically, vacations meant that I would not get these unique pockets of time for myself. So, I found another way around it, I started waking up an hour earlier in the day to ensure I had a pocket first thing in the morning. I ensured that I was done with all the requirements for school-aged kids and breakfasts and lunch boxes and the like and took this time for myself.

It was around this time that I had also relocated and started making lots of calls to the siblings. Vacations were awesome, but if that were not possible, then the next best thing was to have conversations. I started making group calls and individual calls to catch up. These catch-up calls could last for anything from 15 minutes to a couple of hours. You’re often told that your siblings are your first counselors and they are not at all wrong. My siblings became my counselors and helped me through the chaos of relocation and suddenly finding myself isolated from everything familiar and comfortable.

But like everything in life, things change. The kids grew. Their requirements grew. And I was forced to drop the schedules. Even as I dropped the schedules for the kids, I ended up sticking to that one hour in the early hours, and even to this day, that’s my time. I no longer have to wake the kids or run around in circles around them, so that hour has extended and I have spare time for myself.

Initially, all I required was to have a conversation with my siblings, but now, I just sit with a cup of coffee thinking, and planning on what I want and work towards it. From savoring that first sip to walking around the room checking on the plants, and tidying the space, I have finally found the perfect time of day when I know I am not going to be disturbed and have started using this time to enhance my skills. From listening to music to podcasts to learn something new, reading a book, writing, blogging, or my art, this morning slot gives me the perfect break to invest in myself.