Tinted shades

What does “having it all” mean to you? Is it attainable?

When I was in grade 6, we moved from a two-bedroom to a one-bedroom house. The kids shared the bedroom and the parents slept in the living room. Mum gave away the dining table with its blue embossed fitted cover that I used to use as a tracing design, the cot with planks that I was never allowed to jump on because the planks were balanced precariously on the beams, and the center tables and some of the other pieces of furniture that would not make it in this transition. We moved from sitting on the table to eat dinner to sitting on the floor to eat dinner. It made no difference to us. This is when the older siblings were in college and had friends coming over to do combined study. We were in the gym and our friends came over during the holidays to play ‘dark room’. Our house was over even before it started, but it never seemed small. It was always just right. There were times, when Dad would start making dosas for us, and then a friend would drop in, and he would continue making dosas for everyone who turned up. Dad was the in-house Atta dosa specialist. We were not well off then, at least not in the traditional sense of the word, but Mum and Dad made sure that there was enough food for all of us, including the random friends who dropped in. I never purchased a uniform from school, because Mum made the effort to source the material and stitch the uniforms herself. We were never dressed in torn clothes and were always presentably clothed. And we loved our hand-me-downs. I coveted the older siblings’ clothes until I grew taller and they stopped fitting. Canvas tennis shoes were our footwear of choice for PE in school and for our gymnastics classes. I learned how to stitch the seams if they ripped. I learned to remove the shoe properly and wear it properly so it would last a few weeks more. I knew that the shoes could be used until the soles faded into nothingness. We used to sharpen our pencils until it was just a nub and stick them inside the back of a pen, so we could use them a little longer, until we could no longer rotate them in the sharpener, and then used a blade or pencil shaver to sharpen the lead. We always reused our notebooks. Tearing off the unused papers from the class workbooks, and then assembling all the papers into one book, stitched together using colored twine and carpet needles was the highlight of the vacations. The more different kinds of papers we had in these books, the more cool we were. The state board syllabus only changed every 7 years, so we always had hand-me-down textbooks, and if the answers were marked in the margins, those books were valued even more. The 25 ps ice-lollies and the 10 ps barfis were our treats of preference. The maroon candies that stained your mouth and tongue were our favorites.

Eventually, we moved back into a slightly bigger 2 bedroom and adopted a dog. And we had enough food for all of us. No one went hungry. Our vegetarian dog was fed egg once a week and we introduced her to some pedigree dog food when we were able to source it. The pet industry was only just picking up and sourcing products for pets was no easy feat, yet we managed to source a few toys and grooming products that never seemed to last long in our house. Back in the day, exhibitions and sales were few and far between, and these used to be our source for picking up new clothes. Mum had stopped stitching clothes, so we ended up picking up clothes from these exhibitions. Did you know that all branded stores have a ‘factory-surplus’ store where you can purchase items at discounted prices? I learned this in college when I frequented the shoe store. I found the store that stocked the most amazing designs of printed canvas shoes that did not look like the usual white tennis shoes we used to wear in school. Lunch in college was still based on our boxes. Even during our rambunctious teenage years when we sported bottomless pits for bellies, there used to be food at home.

And then we moved to a bigger 3 bedroom house. Here we had 2 dogs and food was never a problem. Dad still made the most awesome dosas, and there was always food for everyone. The common thread through these years of growing up was the belief that we had enough. Maybe it was just how sheltered and cared for I was in those years, that I did not see the sacrifices the parents or older siblings made. But I never felt like I was scrounging around for food or the basic life needs. Our parents helped make the transition through multiple relocations seem almost seamless. The size of the homes never mattered. The furnishings never mattered. The one thing that was a constant in our home was the warm welcome. There was always food. And all of us were always smiling. I am sure there were a lot of compromises and sacrifices and a lot of adjustments made to the kind of life we led, but as the kids, it always seemed like we had it all, through each of those transitions. We always had a full house, even when we got married and moved into our own homes, Mum’s house was always open and filled with love. So, for me, “having it all” is that feeling of contentment that you get when you know your loved ones are with you in spirit even if not physically. It’s the feeling that got me through the lockdowns during the Pandemic. It’s the feeling that got me through a large part of the drama of being away from the village while raising the kids. It’s the feeling I experience when I meet my siblings. It’s the trust, the belief that no matter what, no matter where, no matter when this is my tribe and they will always be there. It’s not the materialistic things, it’s that comfort, that belief that someone’s got your back and that you are not alone. This is what “having it all” means for me. And yes, it is attainable, building a tribe is like nurturing your family. You don’t keep count. You don’t monitor transactions. You build relationships. You build respect and trust and like you take time for yourself, you make time for them.