List the people you admire and look to for advice…
As a postgraduate completing a course where feminism was a subtext and ‘the rights of women in the workplace’ an often-discussed topic, I came out looking for the glass ceiling hoping to shatter it with my brilliance. It took me a couple of years in advertising to realize, that the change we discussed in the course would happen slowly because the ceiling was also supported by other women unwilling to let it go. Still green around the gills is how I would describe myself when I met my MIL a year after this course. A housewife, she had been married almost as soon as she completed her 12th and had relocated to a different city immediately. As a South Indian, she had no base in Hindi or Marathi (the languages spoken in the city) but had moved to Mumbai. She managed to learn the language and raise her children while being the quintessential housewife. Without support from her in-laws. Almost a decade after marriage, she started working towards completing her graduation in commerce and was a good mathematician. An avid seamstress, she used to spend time sewing her clothes as well as things for the home including curtains and covers. Her penchant for numbers ensured that she was aware of and was able to manage her finances with minimal support from her kids right until the very end. She kept track of what was required to be done to maintain her independence. An independent woman, she ensured that she kept away from her son’s life after his marriage. I was expecting the quintessential MIL from the many Hindi Soap operas doing the rounds and what I got was an extremely independent woman who refused to interfere. She was the third feminist I met. Amma, you are the best and I miss your Porumei.
While I was studying the course in Mumbai, my oldest sibling was my Local Guardian and that was my first step into complete freedom. My BIL and Sibling had a big hand in reinforcing certain rules that I have since modified and adapted in raising my kids. The only rules imposed on me during that stay were to keep tabs on my expenses and reinforce the ‘need-want-good to have’ rule. I started keeping track of my expenses, down to the last penny, and justified my expenses, as large or small as they were. Knowing what went where helped me siphon off extras to add to splurge sessions. The lessons were awkward at first because I had never done it at home. And because the bills or lists had to be approved by my BIL and I have never interacted with any man apart from my dad at that level. I had never told Dad that I needed money for pads, it was just something that was always needed in my house, because we were five women and Dad was one of us, so involving my BIL was a way to get him into that circle of craziness and to be fair, he fit right in! Keeping track of even the smallest of expenses was something I had never done and was something they instilled in me. And thanks to them, I learned that lesson well, because it’s something I insist the kids do, helps to keep track of where the pennies flow. I’ve often spoken to them and with them about how to work things around and while I may not have taken their advice on occasion, I have often used it to validate my thought process. My sibling relocated to a different city, lived, and made it her home, and even set up her firm while supporting us outrageous siblings through our silly teenage years. Her stint in the city was filled with a home full of chaos and noise and craziness and they thrived through it all. Admire does not do justice to all that I feel for them and for all that they have done for me. But here is the second feminist I met. Someone who makes everything thrown at her, work in her favor. Someone who never gives up.
When I was in middle school, Mum started working part-time as a tuition teacher. She was a law graduate, with a dual BA-LLB degree and she started working as a tuition teacher. During the day, she went to court and was working as a junior associate almost a decade after finishing her degree. Her professional career growth was slow and frustrating. Her extra tuition classes kept her away from us during our waking hours. But between Dad and her, they made sure we were well cared for. Her continual persistence ensured that she eventually became a notary public and an advocate at the State high court. I remember the day she reached this milestone because she purchased the high court gown and collar and brought them home. There was nothing Mum could not do, from minor repairs around the house to know when the TVS had to be taken to be decarbonized to the times she came to school to bail me out of tight spots I had gotten into, she had her finger on the pulse. Most often that was on me, but I am not complaining. She learned to drive well into her 50s and took off in the car at a moment’s notice. She learned to use a mobile and six months after she got on WhatsApp, she was well versed in sending forwards and making things go viral in the family groups. She was a tad more conservative than my MIL in terms of religious beliefs and imposing them on the family (read that as me!) but she was modern enough to bond with and raise my kids. The years she spent with my MIL are some of the most chaotic and hilarious times I have ever had, and she was the first feminist I knew. Nothing stopped her. Nothing deterred her. If it had to be done. It would get done. She just held the bull by the horns and dealt with everything that came her way. I spent the first few years of my teenage years revolting against everything she did and spent the next few trying to understand the why. But now, as I edge towards the half-century mark, I realize the answers to a lot of questions I never asked her. And thank her for the things I took for granted. Everything posthumously! Because I always believed she was immortal.
And then there are those that I admire. They have been through so much pain and it really should have shattered their beliefs and made them bitter. But they thrive, they shine, and they continue to love and believe in the goodness that’s inherent in this world. I admire them for their resilience, and for forcing me to believe that changing my perspective changes the situation. You are my tribe. You keep me sane and keep me rooted in this world, never giving up. And you are one of the many reasons I put these thoughts down. I admire you. And I use you to validate my beliefs and actions. Thank you for those unending conversations and irreverent discussions.
“I don’t admire how much a person has, I admire what a person does with what they have, and I think that defines you most”
Aerial Miranda
Just a little more 