What makes you nervous?
“Anxiety is something that is a part of me, but it’s not who I am”
Emma Stone
I like to plan and organize. I have lists and checklists to ensure that I am prepared. While I like surprises, I’m not a big fan of improv. Possibly because I’ve never had the chance to try it out. I’m not an introvert. I’m not shy. And I’m not an extrovert. I won’t go volunteering myself enthusiastically either. If I am suitably prepared and organized then I am confident to participate, but I don’t mind dropping out at the last minute. I am comfortable keeping myself company and I have a conversation, only if have a differing opinion. My experiences over the years have helped me finetune the kind of planning and organization I prefer. Today, easy access to the internet over devices ensures continuous access to information that helps me modify my lists on the fly and get deeper into this game. Yet, here are five instances that still get my palms sweaty and raise my heart rate:
Uncertainty about the future
Anytime I must lock the house and head out, I am super anxious. I have checklists and I have lists to track those checklists. It could be a day trip or a visit to Mum’s or even a relocation after the house has been emptied. I keep running through the checklists in my head. Windows shut, balconies shut, bathroom tiles moved, gas turned off, geysers switched off, and the mains turned off, so even if I had left a light or two on, it wouldn’t fuse. I have copies of all relevant documents and tickets. I had access to email, I had enough cash on hand, the driver accepted online payments, I had a bottle of water, chargers were accessible, spare masks and sanitizers were accessible and so were the change of clothes and devices and sanitary pads. And yet, I always feel nervous, like I have missed something. Or perhaps there is something I have not done. Maybe the windows were left open in the utility. Spare socks? Or slippers? Maybe that was it! Or maybe I’ve missed putting the dust covers on. Yet, that feeling- that nagging, “you’ve not done something” feeling remains as it did to Kate McCallister in Home Alone.
Anytime I have been uncertain about the future, like when the flights kept postponing their date of start during Covid, or when curfew was imposed and I had to figure out a way to get the car to visit with Mum during Covid or even when we had applied for school admissions when we relocated and had to wait to get notified about the status only after the schools started. It was nerve-wracking!
Getting ready for an examination, evaluation, or interview
When I was 16 years old, Arvind Fashions put out an advertisement in the local newspaper for salesgirls for one of their stores. Dad had seen it and had sat with me and made me apply for it. I remember dressing in a Salwar Suit and going to the interview with a print-out of my Resume in my hand. At the interview, I found that I was not the only applicant, there were around 50 people there waiting for the interview, and while some of them were older, there were a few of my age. Sweaty palms, there you are! Most of the applicants had just turned up, and some of them did not even know what a resume meant or what a CV was. So, that file folder Dad had put the Resume in and handed to me when I had left made me look extremely professional. A big confidence booster! When it was my turn at the interview, I handed in my Resume and waited patiently for the questions. Dad had walked me through the generic queries that would come my way, and although I was nervous, I was able to respond easily to the queries. My palms were wet, and I was shaking, but once the interview started and I was asked questions, my voice was steady, and I did not waver in my responses.
First impressions
When I re-joined humanities after not doing too well in the science stream, walking into the same campus was nerve-wracking. I did not know the lecturers. I had no friends. And they were all a year younger than me. It did not help matters when I walked up the drive and classmates who had been ragged along with me, were waiting as ‘seniors’ for the next batch to amble up the drive. I did not know if I should identify as a senior or if I should identify as a junior. I decided to let nature take its course. During the first ten days of ragging, none of the seniors targeted me. I don’t know the reason, but even those who walked with me got excluded and suddenly a lot of my classmates walked along with me, so they would not get ragged. From being a relative nobody to being somebody who helped others avoid an unpleasant welcome, I seemed to have made a decent first impression.
Not being ready or organized
I like to be organized. Even for impromptu trips, my bags are organized. I have a pouch of basics- sanitizer, wipes, tissues, pads, change of clothes, power banks, cables, pens and paper. And to this, I add extras, like if it’s a football field I need to get to, then a mat or old newspaper to sit on and a bottle of water. If it’s a movie hall, then a jacket or a shawl, and if it’s the school, then my spectacles and jacket.
When the kid was about a couple of years old, we decided to drive to a nearby hill station with friends for a cup of coffee. I just took the diaper bag, which also had her feed and change of diapers if required and we left. Unfortunately, that bag had no jackets and our destination ended up being misty and cooler than we were ready for. By the time we were done with our coffee and snacks and then the ‘sunset’, we were heading back down the hill with the crowds. That car did not have seat warmers, so we headed back to the city feeling cold and shivering. Ever since this incident, I’ve always kept jackets handy at the doorway, so I can pick it up on my way out.
Beginnings – like starting a presentation or the start of an event.
1st January in the gym was an evening of celebration. We had to participate in songs and dances and mimes and plays and host the festivities for our parents. That was the only time, the gym read out the Annual Report to the parents. The song and dance routines were a lot of fun. It was the culmination of a month of hidden/private evening practices, so our routines were a surprise. The entire evening was handled by the students under the able guidance of the coaches. I remember the year; I was given the annual report to read. It was the most boring report I have ever read, and I barely understood the contents. There were older students, more proficient students, and students who understood what was happening in that report. Yet, I was shortlisted, and I had to read it out on stage. I practiced reading the report in front of the coach, every evening and they kept making changes to it. The report was roughly three pages long and with the constant changes, it was tough for me to recite it by rote. Every evening annual report practice started with wet palms and shaky hands, and the 1st Jan event also had a similar start. But the moment the audience realized I had started, the silence encouraged me to go on and I finished reading the report without stuttering, stammering, or rushing through the words like a derailed train!
Being nervous isn’t bad. It just means something important is happening
Michael Jordan
Just a little more 