பொறுமை Porumei

Describe a positive thing a family member has done for you.

Many years ago, when we first relocated to Mumbai, I jumped at the idea and the opportunity. It took me a while to get used to the matter-of-fact attitude there. I had ‘set-up’ the school bus in the hometown, the driver would let me know when the bus was on the way, so we never missed it. The lady-helper on the bus, would call me to let me know where they were, and that is probably when I started to actively ‘stalk’ the kids on the private–public transport we had organized with the school. But in Mumbai, there was nothing I could do to get the driver to let me know when he got to the bus. The bus was parked at our location and it was a point-to-point situation. It would start at our end and all the students would board the bus, and it would end at the school. We were on a second shift, so invariably we had to leave the home around noon, and I always tried to avoid the time we spent out in the sun. But, if the driver did not give me the exact time and insisted on a ballpark time, then we were always in the sun around noon.

Around this time, I discovered a kindergarten course that was conducted in a preschool near my home, and I opted to complete this course as well. This course also started around noon, so my afternoon started to get rather busy. Get older kid ready for school, get younger kid (toddler at that time) ready for preschool, and get myself to the class on time as well. There were good days when things got done on time, and there were days when things got chaotic. The spouse left early to work because while the schools had a second shift in this city, offices still functioned at the regular 8 am to 5 pm time.

This city is rightly referred to as the ‘city of dreams’. I never saw the burgeoning crowds, the filth, or the flooding during the monsoons. I only saw the many stories of hope, grit, and hard work that I witnessed every day. Like the security guard who relocated to become a dancer but was working as a security guard until he became proficient enough to succeed. It was the city my spouse grew up in, it was the city I lived in during my postgraduation, it was the city the siblings had made a life for themselves in. I loved the city and all that it symbolized. It was also the only city where I saw a different version of my Mother-in-law (Amma as I called her). It was around this time that Mum retired from active work and used this relocation as an excuse to take a step back. She came and lived with us for a few months as against a couple of weeks she would allocate to me in the hometown. Amma also came for longer stretches. She liked Mumbai, and this was the first time I saw her independent. She would offer to take one of the kids down to their bus and Mum would take the other to their bus. Between them, they managed the bus schedules and on days when things got chaotic and I would start to lose it, she would come to me and whisper, Porume – be patient, it’s ok things will work out. Then, I would get even more worked up.

“Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down”

Author Unknown

This is true even for patience. You cannot become patient when someone tells you to be patient. It comes with maturity and over time with experience.

“Patience is when you’re supposed to get mad, but you choose to understand”

Author Unknown

She would often tell me, I know where the school is, don’t worry, if the kid misses the bus, I will drop her off at school. When I told her that she invariably went down barefoot to drop the kid at the stop, she insisted, that makes no difference in this city, I can come back and wash my feet. When I asked her if she was carrying a wallet or any money, she insisted that should take the kid to the school and then return in the same auto and request him in Hindi to wait while she went up to get the money. And if he refused to wait, she said, “I will ask the security guard to pay or call you, so you can do it”. She then told me, I have lived in the locality close to that school long before it came up as a school complex, I know how to get there and know the landmarks very well and I will get back. Don’t worry about me, I know this part of the city very well. It was only then I realized that she had more details about the school locality than I could ever hope for. The Porume lady, was confident, and rightfully so!

Over the following couple of years, every time Amma came to visit, we would go driving around the city she was familiar with. She would insist on going vegetable shopping by herself and would return with a stream of deliveries in tow. Everyone from the grocer to the shopkeepers identified her with the house number. I am not complaining, but she would often return with exotic vegetables, (this would include all those veggies I never made at home because I did not like eating them) that only she knew how to source in that city. I had been married for close to 8 years when this relocation option happened in our lives and the lady I knew in the first 8 years was a different person to the lady I discovered in Mumbai in those two years. She was patient, kind, and enthusiastic about her stay with us. I am not a patient person to live with, and it was her lessons in porume that probably got her through those years. But she was an extremely positive influence on the kids, especially the younger kid who was born with wheels on his feet and no sense of patience. He used to run into walls and doors, bang into things, and stumble over stuff. I used to wear running shoes, to keep up with him, but Amma used to wear her slippers and would go off for a ‘walk’ with him. She used to walk a few rounds around the two buildings and would on occasion also take him to the play area. Everyone who saw them would always tell me, your son, does not listen to anyone but your Mother-in-law, he waits and holds her sari up for her as she stands up and walks slowly with her.

“Our patience will achieve more than our force”

Edmund Burke

Porume is what Amma believed in, all the time, it was one of those refrains she always used around me, “Wait, be patient, Porume”, she would say. At that time, I had no idea what she was referring to, but today, when that little accident-prone toddler is a teenager, her refrains, ring in my head. It was the only thing she always insisted on around me, for me to be patient and it was never stated as a flaw in me, but more in terms of a refrain for herself. So, she could be patient around me. If there had been something that I believed in, it was always that if I was half as patient or had half as much Porume as her then things would be a lot different. Her patience with me has let me understand the value of that word and allows me to extend that time for the kids to grow up and mature at their own pace, without pushing them to achieve a standard that’s only mine. I may have never accepted it then or thanked her enough, but with every chapter on Porume that I go through in life, I slowly understand what she tried to teach me all those years ago. Thank you Amma, for your porume with me.