How often do you say “no” to things that would interfere with your goals?
I’m a first “No” person. If you ask me something, my initial response is a “No”. it does not matter that it affects nothing. My first response is a “NO”. I may spend some time on the reason for the ‘no’ and if I really want to do it, and I still said a ‘no’ then I will spend time to figure out how to change that to a ‘yes’. Usually, I don’t like an audience, especially when I am mulling over my response. So the answer is ‘No’ and when you move on, then I have the opportunity to weigh the pros and cons on my own. I know this is irritating to a lot of people but, this is how I have always been.
The best part of being a ‘No’ first person, is when you say “no” because it’s coming in the way of a goal you have set yourself. Here the reason is very clear and the lack of guilt makes this some of the best “no’s” I have ever doled out. Here my response is not a whim, it’s a dream, it’s a goal I want to achieve, and hence that NO is imperative. As the only folks I have often used this response with, the family, is probably tired of my response. So much so, that I’ve often been ignored when I give the response and they wait while I work through the processes on my own. For me, it’s a very clear, ‘be in control” kind of thing. I like to have the option to make that choice. And I don’t mind missing it if I say no today and I cannot make that change later.
As a teen gymnast who got into the sport late, trying to make the shift from Artistic to Rhythmic gymnastics, there were moments when I had to say ‘no’ because it hindered my progress. My goal in those days, was to have the best flexibility, I did not have speed or strength or height (I was too tall by gymnast standards), so I was trying to make the best of what I had, flexibility. I used to be flexible, but to be a rhythmic gymnast, some of the movements required no spine and I had to work on this non-stop. My practice and workout was almost always indoors, I had to use Yoga bricks and chairs and pillars to do my workout. So the weather forecast and mundane things like too much sun, too hot, or too cold, or too wet, were not excuses I could use. And I never did. However on those rare days it used to rain, the artistic gymnasts used to come in and sit down to chill. I was often invited as a former artistic gymnast myself, but, for me, that was one less day of practice. A break in routine meant that I had to start from scratch the following day. The progress from a 85% side split to a 110% side split happened slowly in painfully minuscule degrees. Something I could ill afford to hinder at that point. While the initial round of “no” came with some guilt, as my progress started to get more obvious and as the goal approached the sense of loss, that I had felt in the initial round of saying ‘no’ changed. But that change happened only after many rounds of repeated “no’s”.
I’m not a novice at saying ‘no’, but every single time I’m asked a question and every single time I have started with a ‘no’, I have always gone back to this incident to reimagine that feeling of success at accomplishing that 110% side split. And if I feel that there is even a slight chance this goal is possible, I stick to the initial response. Otherwise, I make suitable changes. And I have made those changes, for some flimsy reasons. Like that one time I went for a trek with the family. When the family wanted to celebrate a landmark birthday going on a trek to the EBC and opened the invitation to the family. My first reaction to that was “No”. And I had a long list of why the “No” was plausible. I went shopping for warm clothes and thermals with my younger sibling. And around a couple of months before the actual date of travel when she went to buy the boots to break them in, is when the “no” with the plausible list of excuses vanished and I moved the response to “Yes”! Then that No, turned to a yes, based on a shoe! A whim, really! And to be honest, I may have a lot more of these “NO” turned to “Yes” responses. But that is to be expected from a “no” first person.
I signed up for an exercise/fitness application that had programs running through the year, and for the year, my goal was to ensure that I justified that expense. I followed every diet and exercise requirement non-stop. And yes, the results were splendid, I did not hit the goal, but I achieved a lot more, but saying “No” consistently to yourself, for a drink or a bite of dessert, gets to you! And then you finish the program and the diet stops. Mentally, I just pulled the plug, the yo-yo result is often even more painful than that initial ‘No”. Of course, I haven’t renewed that subscription and that should tell you about how much I like saying no.
I believe that when you say “No”, you’ve already upset the system of things. You have set the expectations. There is no hope. No anticipation. And it’s completely inappropriate. Not empathetic. Not polite. Not courteous. And I promise you, you are getting a lecture for this. But, if for some reason, you change your mind, after that initial ‘No’ and say a ‘yes’, then the mood changes. Everyone is happy. It’s all fun and games again. And the only reason for that very strong reaction to that first “No” is probably all the negative feelings associated with the response – depression, dejection, rejection, disappointment, and hopelessness of it all.
The kid has a big evaluation coming up. And this year, that is our goal. Completing those evaluations to the best of our collective ability. So, we’ve pulled out all stops, there is ‘no’ vacation, ‘no’ holidays, and in some cases, even a ‘no’ for the first-day first-show screening of a movie, ‘no’ social media, and a strict ‘no’ chatting with relatives when you have to study- rule in place for now.
“You have to learn to say no without feeling guilty. Setting boundaries is healthy. You need to learn to respect and take care of yourself.”
Author Unknown
Just a little more 