The first step.

What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?

Theoretically, as a student of psychology, there is the STOP protocol, that includes stop, think, observe and plan as routes to get over something negative in your life. Or identifying the emotions and physically walking away from it. And the latest technique of mindfully dealing with difficult emotions. I don’t know if I consciously follow any of these methods, but I have alternates that helped me. Of course, I’ve also changed my perspective since then and am in the process of learning better ways to cope.

My college life is divided into two phases – and no! They are not the pre-coping technique and post-coping technique. They are bus stand 1 and bus stand 2. For this blog, there is only a brief relevance to the location in so far as being the place where I got access to my initial way of coping with my negative feelings. So, bus stand 1 is close to the commercial shopping places, frequented by the family as it used to be close to where they grew up. And I’ve spent a lot of time walking those streets. The best part of shopping here was the access to stuff to pick up from the street vendors. In those days, they used to sell posters at 5 for 10₹. And every time I saved up some money, I used to head to that spot to pick a few posters. He also used to have posters of famous singers and artists, but one of the biggest results of not having a working TV growing up was we had no clue who the top artists were. We were happy with the songs played on the radio. Bhule Bisre Geet was our entertainment. And even then we were not tempted to get posters of singers or actors. So, posters were always generic and picked either because we liked what they said, or we wanted to paint the picture. We used to put up the posters on the biggest wall and they started at eye level and then went higher. At some point, we had reached even the parts close to the ventilators and the ceilings. But considering the neutral tone of the posters, even the parents ignored them as acceptable room décor.

Decoupage is the art of decorating an object by gluing colored paper cut-outs onto it in combination with special paint effects, gold leaf and other decorative elements. And the only reason, I define it here is because over the years, the posters we had put up on the wall, became a version of wallpaper that got glued to the wall, because of some kind of water seepage. Here are a couple of posters, that became wallpaper over due course of time.

These were just some part of the decoupage we’d unwittingly done on our wall. But no one was complaining, it was closer to the ceiling in the room and not at the obvious eye level. And it hid the mould and seepage very well.

Without even realizing it, I had identified the best way for me to overcome negativity. The posters of positive quotes and humor. I laugh at myself. It does not matter to me, what someone else thinks of me. So, if laughing at me helps, the problem is solved. I’ve been told, that laughing at myself is not the best way to cope with negativity, and it may be true, but, it’s helped shift focus. And that helps.

And the next method I learned a little late, but loved the most was to walk away. The first step was always the toughest, as it requires you to accept what you were feeling. Tara was my constant companion during the teenage rebellion years, and she had to be walked. So, that became my ‘go-to’ outlet for the negativity. I spent a lot of time either walking her around or playing fetch with her. The repetition and monotony of these activities helped both of us work out our anxiety. It was a good way to distract and distance myself from stuff that I did not want to get into. Or alternatively wanted to get out of.

Eventually, when the TV got replaced,  I got into watching soppy soap operas. I loved it!! I loved the drama. I used to watch all the “K” named serials aired on TV. And used to love living vicariously through the trials and tribulations the protagonist overcame in her life. Of course, even then I knew that these were just made-up situations with temporary fixes that were more wishful thinking than real workable/practical solutions. But I enjoyed them while I had access to them.

After Tara passed away, for a few years, I tried to stand and face the situation head-on, but, it never worked and I figured out, that I could walk away. Even without her, I could walk away and it would be ok. I did not know this. But I learned, that if I don’t want to be a part of something, I can walk away. This is something I have followed with a lot of enthusiasm. Run is usually what I used to do because I could do it. But today, I go for a walk or skip, and listen to music, when I need to work something out of my system. Negative or positive.

I used to doodle on random bits of paper kept near the phone when I used to have conversations with my sibling. Today, I have bigger sheets of paper, that I use to create designs and these help me go into an almost mindless space. Of course, I reach that space of no thought, only after I have finished with all those arguments and conversations in my head. (most often these are silent, so you will not catch me talking to myself) The designs and tangling help me work through all kinds of emotions. They help drain my mind from any thought. The despair. The unfairness. The greed. The joy. The ecstasy. The victory. All of those negative emotions and positive feelings I want the kids to work out of their system. I work it out, through art.  I used to voice my thoughts earlier, and it got me nowhere. This is a better and safer option that I would like to believe helps me better cope with the tornado of emotions. I would like to believe that I’ve completely stopped voicing my emotions, but I know that it’s only in my imagination. I am still the most vocal person around. If I feel something, I say it first. And then think. But I’ve been told to calm down and take a breath often enough to know that there is still a lot that I need to learn. It’s not something I have too much control over. I know for a fact that I love drama, but when things get difficult, I just work through them. Plod. That’s the word that comes to mind. And that’s what I do. Plod! Slowly! One agonizing step in front of the other! I plod until I am through it all.

The spouse and sibling always get an earful when I’m worked up. I hope I reciprocate. I don’t know. But, I do know that they have my back and the talking helps me get through the worst of it. Even in my head, talking helps. I think we are our best conversationalists. Like I tell the spouse, “main aur meri tanhaayi, aksar ye baatein karte hain”. (roughly translated it reads, “I have this conversation with my solitude..”) and that’s how it starts and that’s how it will end, in a silent conversation with myself.