Not that question!

What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain.

I have a ton of questions that I hate to be asked. But the ones that really drive me nuts are the obviating ones disguised as query’s. Here are a couple of scenarios. The first one is for, “are you busy?” And the second one is for, “are you sleeping?” These are the crazy ones that all of us use, and think it’s ok. But, let me reassure you, it’s not. And it’s just not acceptable.

Scenario 1: picture this: I live in a condominium, and I WFH, which means, if I’m not doing something related to food, I’m working. And I don’t like to be disturbed at either of these times. I step out of the apartment when I’m free. When I’m ready to have a conversation. I respond to messages when I’m free and have time to socialise. So, if you send me a message, ‘Hi, good morning,’ and the WhatsApp status on that message shows it’s received but not read, what would you do??

My reaction to a situation like this: 1. You have not read my message, so you’re busy, I accept and mind my own business. 2. You have not read my message, you are busy, but I’m in an emergency, then I will just follow this with a call.

Call first. But not to state the obvious, ‘are you busy? I sent you a message and you did not read it??’ The tone and message in your call in a situation like this, would probably be, “Hi, sorry to disturb, but I saw (abc’s) son here and he’s in distress. I don’t have (abc’s) number. Can you send me the details so I can let them know? Thanks, bye.” This can be anyone, even an acquaintance.

Or “hi, I’m in trouble and I need your help. Come (give your location) here now? Pls?” And this I would only send to my 3am friend. Someone I have associated with forever, who is willing to go through the trauma of an early morning call.

I had a incident where I got that first Whastapp message, when I was working, and even with the fact that I had not responded, they rang the bell and walked into my house, to have a conversation. Their excuse: 1. I need a favour. 2. My cleaner is any home cleaning my place so I thought I could converse with you. And this started with, “hi, are you busy?? I need a favour from you.”

So many things in the above scenario irks me. First the assumption, that because I’m an artist, you think it’s ok for you to disturb me when you are free. Secondly, you want a favour from me, then you need to cultivate the situation. Not drop in when it’s convenient for you. Thirdly, you cannot walk into my place, ask me for a favour and then smile and tell me, my house is messy. And finally, I have just met you, a month ago. We haven’t conversed after that. We haven’t run into each other after that. And you think it’s ok, to ask me to recommend you for employment? Based on what? Your lack of etiquette??

If you want to be recommended for a work situation, then the least you can do is be professional. Wait your turn. And this is something I’ve spent a lot of time teaching my kids to do, wait your turn because as parents we don’t want to get our kids used to instant gratification. How would you assume that because you are an adult it’s not applicable to you?!

Scenario 2: picture this: It’s past 8pm. You’ve returned home. You’re not expected to work from home. And you are winding up for the evening, when you get a call, “hi, are you sleeping??” This question is wrong on so many levels it’s unbelievable.

For instance, firstly, we’re just acquaintances at work, if I’m not expected to deliver something tonight, and I’m not on call tonight, then you have no business calling me. Secondly, you know me well enough to know I retire early. Then you don’t make the call or that obvious statement disguised as a question. Thirdly, it’s an emergency, then, be polite, “hi, sorry to disturb you, but…(your query there, and not, are you sleeping?)”. and this is for both a friend and an acquaintance.

In a work scenario, it does not make a difference what I’m doing. If they’ve left office, unless it’s an emergency, you have no business calling a colleague. And if you have to, then you need to intimate via a message first and wait your turn. If they are free you will get a response. But if they have retired for the evening, then you are intruding and that’s not acceptable. You are a friend, you had plans, they got canceled, now you’re trying to resurrect planB, you need to wait your turn. You send your message and wait. If you get a response great. If not. Let it go. Don’t make that call.

Scenario 3: during Deepavali, South Indians have an oil bath, first thing in the morning and this is usually at the crack of dawn. This is usually called Ganga snaanam, and as kids we used to wake up super early, to complete this, light the lamps, have the snacks and then light the 🧨 firecrackers. This is tradition. This was the order it had to be done. The firecrackers were always the last, after everything was done. We had an uncle, who would call us from the US, and even before you said ,”hello”, he would enquire, “Ganga Snaanam aacho?” Initially we had no issues with this call, but over time, this call would irritate us as this call always made us late for the firecracker, and we lost the competition on the street.

Today I appreciate the effort it took him, to place a call at the right time to have this question for us, as an expat I understand his homesickness, but as a kid, competing with the neighbours to be the first to light the firecrackers, this call was a sheer waste of time. And that question was so irritating!